Origins and
Consequences
Unconditional love comes from those who see and love the
very best in us, in spite of whatever imperfect version of ourselves is manifesting
at any given moment. They are able to
look past our embarrassing episodes, our self-indulgent phases, and the times
when we act out of frustration or anger to see the person that they know we truly
are. They forgive our shortcomings
without being asked because they love us more than they judge us.
Why is unconditional love so important? From the receiving perspective, its presence or absence forms our self-image as being lovable or unlovable. This fundamental aspect of ego drives our every act. But it is just as vital that we give unconditional love. Authentic, selfless forgiveness of the faults of those we most love teaches us the skills that we need when we choose to forgive others who have hurt us. (See last week’s blog, Establishing a Stress-Free Zone, on the link between forgiveness and peace: https://lockhart-learning.com/2019/12/establishing-a-stress-free-zone/ .)
My Hero
Fred Rogers, much in the public
eye of late, saw unconditional love less as something reserved for those closest
to us and more as something we could offer every other human, at least in discrete
instances. This belief plays out before
our eyes in his interviews, tributes, and documentaries. I particularly appreciate his intimate, unscripted
interactions; he seems to approach each person with no agenda other than to look
straight into their soul to find the place where loving appreciation is most
needed. And then, he plugs himself in
there.
He did this with equal clarity with children and adults. His testimony before the Senate Subcommittee on Communications is captivating. If you have 7 minutes to spare, witness Fred Rogers win the heart and mind of the chair of the subcommittee ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKy7ljRr0AA ). Watch Senator Pastore’s body language and listen to his tone of voice change as Mr. Rogers actively appreciates the best in the senator, in what some have called, The Day Fred Rogers Saved PBS.
In his 2018 commencement address at Marquette University, Fred Mcfeely Rogers spoke about the importance of making those loving connections. “I believe that appreciation is a holy thing; that when we look for what is best in the person we happen to be with at the moment, we are doing what God does. So, in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we are participating in something truly sacred.” (For the complete address, get a box of tissues and see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdcEGvk5764 .)
In the
Classroom
We can hope that our children receive ample unconditional love at home, but sadly, we know that many do not. This makes what we do in the classroom even more critical. All children, especially those who see themselves in some way as being unlovable, need to experience times when caring adults look past their flaws and appreciate their best selves. And all children need opportunities to do the same for others. It is key to their ability to become loving, peaceful adults. “If salvation and help are to come, it is through the child; for the child is the constructor of man.” (The Absorbent Mind).
Of course, there are some children with whom we more naturally feel a connection. Perhaps they remind us of ourselves. Perhaps they make our days easier, more filled with laughter, or more interesting. Perhaps they remind us of why we chose to work in education. It will be relatively easy to find moments to look past inconveniences and irritants to appreciate those children’s best selves. What about the others? Can we find something to love or appreciate about the child who wanders, is physically aggressive, is oppositional, is noisy, messy, or disruptive? Perhaps we can appreciate the perseverance with which they pursue what they think is important, even if we don’t agree with their priorities. Perhaps we can love the exuberance with which they approach everything. Perhaps we can appreciate their indomitable spirit, pressing on even in the face of strong criticism. Separating the child from his behavior, what personality traits would we choose to preserve? Can we find a way to overtly appreciate those traits so as to make the child walk a bit taller? If we can’t offer unconditional love, can we offer the unconditional hope that tomorrow might be the day that reveals the best-self?
Just as we model appreciating the children’s best selves, we want to offer children opportunities to do the same for one another. On an informal level, we can lead a Grace and Courtesy discussion about the importance of creating a climate of encouragement and appreciation, encouraging children to thank and recognize one another frequently. When we model that behavior, children will follow our lead. To make it a bit more formal, consider creating a Toodling Board where children covertly post the actions or words of others that they appreciate (without naming names, of course). Or have children verbally share Appreciations during class meetings (again, without naming names). To ensure that each child feels some love will require a more formal approach, such as creating personal Appreciation Booklets. (See last the end of last February’s blog, Sugar Substitutes, for a description of one way to accomplish this: https://lockhart-learning.com/2019/02/sugar-substitutes/.)
As we become better at giving others unconditional love, we can also become better at unconditionally loving ourselves. It is to this that today’s first reflection is dedicated. Some might rightfully argue that authentically loving others begins with loving ourselves. To be sure, the process is cyclical. If we love ourselves, we accept that our errors and missteps are just mile-markers on the route to our best selves. We work to improve ourselves while loving the best-self that we are becoming. The more successful we are in this effort, the better we are able to extend the same courtesy to others in our lives: to the long-loved and to the perfect stranger. The more we love others, the better we are able to see ourselves as being loveable. And so it goes ‘round and ‘round.
The reflections this
week are written as prompts for the new year.
Reflections for Children and Adults (Choosing New Year’s Resolutions)
On Loving Ourselves: New Years’ Resolutions are usually about changing things we don’t like about ourselves. Some of the most common resolutions are to lose weight, to stop biting my nails, to keep a clean house/desk, to meet my deadlines…” This year, let’s begin instead from a place of giving ourselves a little unconditional love. Think about what you and others love most about you, and about the ways that you make a difference in others’ lives. Then read the next paragraph, pausing briefly to think about each sentence.
- I am just who I was created to be. Nobody else can live the life that I live – now or ever. There are things that make me unique. These differences might include something visible, like the way I look, or sound, or dress, but they undoubtedly also include important things that are invisible to the eye, like the special way I think, or feel, or act, or relate to other people. They might also include special skills or talents, like knowing just the right thing to say to cheer up a friend, or being able to use imagination to solve problems, or knowing how to make or do things, or being good at math or art, or being an effective leader. These traits and skills are what enable me to make a difference in my own way. I am just who I was created to be, just as I am.
What were you thinking about as you read (or listened to) those sentences? What makes you unique? Can you name 3 things that make you uniquely you? In what ways does your uniqueness enable you to be helpful to other people? These unique traits or abilities are your superpowers!
How can you intentionally use your superpowers for good –
to improve the lives of others around you?
Can you express that as a New Year’s Resolution?
On Loving Others: Did you find the first reflection a little challenging? Most of us are unaccustomed to thinking about ourselves as having superpowers. Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that thinking good things about yourself is bragging – a bad thing. The truth is, if we want to hang on to the things that we like best about ourselves, it is important to think about what those are and how we can nurture them.
Because it is sometimes so hard to think about what is best in ourselves, we help others when we point out the things that we most love or appreciate about them. Sometimes we point out a superpower that the other person already knows about; we are confirming what they believe to be true. Sometimes we draw attention to something great that the other person didn’t even know they were doing; we can identify a new superpower.
Think about how the people around you influence you. What traits, practices, skills, or habits of other people have a positive effect on your life? Which do you most appreciate or admire? Which helps you to be your own best self?
How can you express your appreciation or admiration for
these? How can you confirm or identify
someone else’s superpower? (Sometimes it feels safest to do this with a close
friend, but it can be really powerful to reach out to someone that you don’t
know as well!)
Can you express developing this new habit as a New Year’s
Resolution?
“Be the person that your dog thinks you are”
J. W. Stephens
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Oscar Wilde
This is my last blog for 2019 – I am taking a few weeks to be with family. I close today’s blog with this most sincere wish for each of you: may you have peace in your hearts, your minds, and your classrooms.