Have you ever had your feelings hurt? Of course, you have – it is part of life! Every time we put ourselves “out there” we risk having someone respond in an unexpected way. Sometimes, the response is unexpectedly positive: a compliment, words of appreciation, or support for our words or actions. Sometimes, the response is unexpectedly negative, resulting in hurt feelings and loss of trust. These injuries are often unintentional: a thoughtless comment, a neglected thank-you, a forgotten occasion. Alternatively, these negative responses can be intentional: remarks made specifically to degrade, embarrass, or humiliate a person or his ideas. Intentional or unintentional, negative responses leave a mark. Sometimes a deep one.
When I was young (in the dark ages), we were taught to say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.” That, of course, is patently untrue. Words (positive and negative) absolutely affect how we see and value ourselves and can increase or diminish our willingness to make ourselves vulnerable to the opinions of others in the future.
There is a great activity for explaining this concept to children. It goes like this: at a class meeting, take a piece of paper and crumple it. Pass the crumpled paper around the circle, asking each child to squeeze the crumpled paper into a tighter and tighter ball. When the paper has made the rounds, carefully open it and try to smooth out all of the wrinkles. In the process of opening the page, you may tear an edge or two. Ask the children to comment on the appearance of the paper – what do they see? (Most will talk about seeing the wrinkles in the page. Some may even talk about it not being so beautiful or useful anymore.) Then draw the analogy. The paper is a person’s self-image. The first crumpling that you did was someone insulting or putting the person down. The put-down crumples the person’s self-image. When other people hear the put-down and ignore it or, worse yet, laugh or add to it, it sets the wrinkles even deeper. Deep wrinkles in the person’s self-image can’t be removed. An apology can smooth things out, but the marks remain.
That wonderful demonstration is a great start. I struggle a bit with leaving children with feelings of guilt for having contributed to spoiling the paper. Guilt is a gift to us as humans – it tells us that something needs to change. But how much more powerful if we help children see how to make a change rather than just leaving them with the uncomfortable realization that they have contributed to someone’s unhappiness? So, to that demonstration, I add another pass.
Show the power of lifting someone up. (This requires having a supply of beautiful stickers, like foil stars or hearts in many colors.) Tell the children that the next step is to look at what happens when we build each other up. Ask the children to think of someone that has been kind to them recently or someone that they especially love. When the paper comes to them, they are to think of that person as the look at the paper and say something to build up that person. They might pay that person a compliment. (“It makes me happy to see you when I get to school every day.”) They might thank the person (“Thank you for sending me that text last night. It made me feel good.”) It can be an expression of appreciation or support. (“You are so committed to animal rights. I admire that.”) While you are giving examples, you are not only modeling the kind of responses that you are seeking, you are giving children time to think of their own response. When you think that the children have heard enough examples, ask if everyone has a response in mind or if they need to hear more examples. (Be sure to have plenty of your own in mind – sometimes this takes a few minutes!) Demonstrate directing your own build-up statement to the paper without naming the recipient of your good wishes. (Look at the paper as if it were the person you are thinking of, so that children know that they don’t have to make eye contact with each other during their turns). Then affix your sticker on the page and pass the paper to a student. When the paper has made its way around the circle, hold it up for all to examine and comment. Many of the wrinkles are covered, but more importantly, when you look at the paper, your eye is drawn to the beautiful parts rather than to the damaged parts.
With older children, the conversation can be extended to consider the longer term effects. Ask them to imagine that there is a group of people, one of whom is wearing a team jersey supporting your local football or baseball team. Someone in the group starts talking badly about that team – maybe they lost their last game in an epic manner. Ask the children to compare how those comments will affect the person whose self-image is represented by that wrinkled, torn page to the person whose self-image is represented by the beautifully decorated page. Help them understand that those with a poor self-image expect everything that happens to them to “add more wrinkles”. They are much more likely to take the comments about the sports team personally and to think that they made a mistake by wearing a jersey that supports the team. This conversation can be extended to discuss the effect on the classroom climate. Would you rather be in a room filled with people whose self-image is like the wrinkled, torn page or more like the beautifully decorated page? Most everyone would choose the latter, of course, which implies an obligation to each of us to take advantage of opportunities to build each other up.
Why do we care what others think? The activity with the paper is a great way to build empathy and to create awareness of the lasting effect that our words can have on others. But we also want to talk about self-care. We are not always going to be surrounded by positive, uplifting people. We will be subjected to works or actions that harm our self-image. So, we have to ask ourselves why we care so much what other people think of us. Can’t we just tune out the negativity? In actuality, we are limited in how much we can tune out. The desire to be accepted is hard-wired into humans. Maslow identified the need for belonging (sometimes identified as love/inclusion) as the third ring on his Hierarchy of Human needs. It is this need for acceptance and belonging that causes humans to form communities. In these communities, we edit what we say or do to meet expectations and to avoid hurting others in the community. This creates a place where we can feel safe and accepted. And yet, this desire for belonging can have a down-side if we care too much about others opinions. When satisfying others becomes a top priority, we will sometimes behave in opposition to what we know to be true and right, simply out of fear of rejection. It takes courage to consistently do what is right in the face of this fear.
In our classrooms,we capitalize on our natural human instinct to care what others think when we work to create a vibrant community. We lead children to develop empathy for others in the community, what Montessori calledsociability. And yet, despite our best efforts, hurtful words will creep in – some unintentional and some less innocent. Insults and put-downs are a very common means of establishing one’s place in the social hierarchy. But that does not mean that we have to live with them! Helping children understand the affect their words have with the crumpled paper activity is quite memorable, but it is a one-and-done activity. Here are other steps that we can take throughout the year:
- Build up children’s sense of self-worth throughout the day– not with praise – but by helping them more fully appreciate what is best about themselves. Simple phrases are most effective: “I noticed how long you stuck with that work,” or “You were a big help to Gerald when he was so disappointed this morning,” or “Thank you to everyone who entertained the younger ones during the Pancake Breakfast. They seemed to really enjoy themselves, and so did their parents.” These statements cause the child to evaluate his recent actions and think, “Yes! That was good! I make a difference!” The more confident that children feel about their worth, the more able they are to dismiss things that don’t match their positive self-image. Note that these simple phrases recognize what someone did withoutadding on what you thought or felt about it. When statements of recognition include how the observer feels about it (“You are so smart,” or “I was proud of you,”) simple recognition turns into praise. The receiver is less able to take pride in himself and may become more dependent on others’ opinions to tell him how to feel about himself.
- Whenever problems are identified and discussed with the class or with an individual, be sure that the well-being of the community is the reason for the redirection or course correction. New practices or agreements should never be based on someone’s personal preference. For example, if common-supply pencils are disappearing from the supply shelf at an alarming rate, rather than grounding the problem in the expense or aggravation of replacing them, discuss whichever of the following apply to your classroom: the impact to children who can’t get work done until they find a pencil; the untidiness of the classroom making the classroom feel less calm; the safety of people slipping on pencils left on the floor; and/or the impact to the ecological environment when we constantly replace things without using them up.
- If the incidence of put-downs and insults is on the rise, shine the spotlight on them; identify them for what they really are. The reason that people put one another down or insult one another is that they feel that they haven’t any other options to build themselves up. They feel like the only way to feel better is to push down those around them, so that, by comparison, they feel superior. They look for someone who is vulnerable – who will just take the put-down without a struggle. It makes the person who has been insulted or put-down feel inferior, and yet it is not a powerful tactic; it is something done by people when they feel weak and powerless. And it doesn’t last. It makes the insulter feel superior for as long as they are getting attention for the remark, but then they have to look for another way to build themselves up. In the meantime, the person who was insulted now needs to find a way to build themselves back up. Ideally, they will look inside themselves and see that they are a person who makes a difference and will shake off the put-down. But often, the put-down has done its job – it made the recipient feel somehow less. A natural human desire to respond with a witty retort – a counter-put-down – something that will say, “Don’t put me down or you will get the same back.” Usually the person being insulted is so stunned by the offense that they simply hold their tongue and take it. The person who was put down now may need to find some way to artificially build himself up – perhaps by insulting or putting down someone else. And there we are, caught in an endless cycle of negativity. While our natural tendency is to feel resentment and want revenge, in reality, if we really understand that the person giving the insults is feeling powerless to make himself feel better, we might feel pity. It is actually a cry for help. Which doesn’t make the remark less hurtful, but it may help us forgive them and move on.
- Help children respond in strength. If an insult or put-down doesn’t “land”, it is less likely to give the insulter a sense of superiority, making it less likely to happen again. How do we do that? By responding as positively as possible, acting within our own truth. If, for example, someone tells me that I have no friends, that no one wants to be with me, I can reply with, “Sure I do! My friends like me just as I am.” If I then leave the conversation and seek out a friend to do something together, that is a response that is characterized by truth, strength, and positivity. Sometimes we can’t think quickly enough to create a positive response. A neutral response can be just as effective. If, in response to an insult or put-down within the classroom, I say, “Ouch! There’s a wrinkle!” and leave to go about my business, I put the insulter on notice that what they said was not welcome. By walking away, I effectively hit the reset button; I show that I am not taking the bait but rising above it. For further inspiration, watch https://www.facebook.com/Upworthy/videos/420419595187227/ to see a boy who turned a put-down into something truly positive and wonderful.
- Create a cycle of positivity within the classroom. Just as we can put one another down, we can lift one another up. Challenge the children to give at least one “build-up” each day: a compliment, an affirmation, a word of encouragement, a thank-you. Ask them to notice, when they receive a build-up, how it makes them feel. Does it inspire them to build up others? How does it feel to commit a Random Act of Kindness – something that in no way pays someone back for a kindness they paid you? In aggregate, create a cycle of positivity to combat the cycle of negativity. BONUS: to increase awareness of and inspire conversations about ways to lift others up, have some kind of collection jar in the classroom and an ample supplies of small objects (like marbles) to fill it. Each time someone is the recipient of a build-up, they can add a marble to the jar at a time when no one is looking. NOTE: only the recipient can say whether it felt like a build-up. This prevents people from giving meaningless compliments just to add a marble to the jar. In the beginning, considering asking at the end of the day how many people added a marble to the jar. Often the mystery of who gave the build-up is part of the magic!
Reflection for adults: This cycle of negativity happens in adult communities too. When you share time with other adults (Montessori or otherwise), is the conversation peppered with gossip or put-downs? Who in your circle needs to be built up in positive ways? How can you surround yourself more often with people who build you (and others) up?
Reflection for children and adults: It takes courage to think about times when we did something that we wish we hadn’t. Be courageous! Think of a time when you insulted or put-down someone else, or a time when you witnessed a put-down and didn’t step up to stop it. What do you think you were hoping would happen in that moment? If the situation were to happen again today, would you respond differently? How?
If you can complete this reflection honestly and see a different possible outcome, congratulations! Today you grew as a human being!
IMPORTANT NOTE TO TEACHERS: Social media has become a powerful platform for bullies. If your children are internet-active, please consider initiating a conversation about internet shaming and bullying. These have become a blood sport in our society. Don’t rely on your impressions of children’s overall happiness – they become masters at hiding true sorrow and hopelessness. Please be sure that you have some way for children to let you know that they are being bullied! One way is to have a prompt where children are asked to talk about a time when they were on the receiving end of put-downs or insults, and let them know that it is ALWAYS ok to ask for help to deal with something that they can’t manage on their own. (Refer to last week’s blog on tattling vs. seeking help for thoughts on this topic.)
Additional resources for decreasing our dependence on outside affirmations:
- https://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/10-clear-reasons-why-you-shouldnt-care-what-others-think.html
- https://www.theodysseyonline.com/7-reasons-to-stop-caring-about-what-others-think-of-you
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – which is: try to please everybody.
Herbert Bayard Swope – first and three-time recipient of the Pulitzer Prize for Reporting