Spotlight on Sociability

If you are a regular reader of Lockhart Learning blogs, you know that last time, I made the bold assertion that Normalization may be the most misunderstood and underutilized concept in Montessori philosophy.  Similarly, I believe that Sociability is probably the most cryptic aspect of Normalization. 

Conventional use of the word is of little help in understanding the meaning of Sociability in a Montessori context.  Modern use equates sociability with being able to enjoy time spent with others.  Heaven knows, most elementary children are pretty good at that already! 

Within the context of Normalization, Sociability means the ability to have empathy for the group and for individuals in the community.

Does that definition make you pause?  Why would empathy be one of the four characteristics of Normalization? 

Empathy is a foundational skill for building relationships and developing emotional intelligence.  Being able to understand and share the feelings of others enhances the child’s self-control.  They are often better able to defer gratification and regulate their emotions/behavior for the good of the group and individuals in the community.  Enhanced self-control contributes to the child’s self-esteem and may promote conditions that encourage deeper concentration in the classroom.  In aggregate, these make learning more enjoyable. 

The four characteristics of normalization (did you recognize them buried in the previous paragraph?) are like a spider’s web; it is impossible to touch one characteristic without affecting the others.  But recall, we do not normalize children.  We are only able to create conditions where children are best able to complete their “normal” developmental progression, building a robust foundation of social intelligence that will serve them throughout their lives.

Empathy: the Gift that Keeps on Giving

There are benefits to building children’s “empathy muscle” beyond promoting Normalization.  Empathetic children are more likely to include others and celebrate diversity.  They are more likely to stand against bullying.  And they are better able to bring a multi-faceted approach to problem-solving as they consider the situation from different perspectives.  Empathetic children mature into compassionate, caring, socially responsible adults. And so, it is well worth the time we take to foster empathy – it is a big part of our “whole child” approach to education!

The good news is that empathy is not an innate, fixed trait.  While there is a genetic contribution to this characteristic, it is thought to be small.  Empathy is learned. The elementary years are prime time for supporting that learning.

Fostering Empathy in the Second-Plane

Second-plane children are developmentally primed to grow their “empathy muscle” through modeling, lessons, and discussions.  Six-year-old and nine-year-old brain growth spurts enable children to imagine abstract concepts like the vastness of the Universe or the minuteness of an atom.  This ability to imagine that which cannot be seen extends into the social dimension, opening the door to new dimensions of relationships. 

• Children ages 6-9 are beginning to recognize that others can have different feelings and viewpoints. They start learning about fairness, justice, and kindness.  They can sometimes put others’ needs before their own but will not necessarily consider multiple perspectives without being prompted to do so.
• Children ages 9-12 are becoming more adept at reading emotional cues, understanding group dynamics, and considering the impact that their choices and actions have on others.  They are capable of deeper empathy and will sometimes spontaneously consider a situation from various perspectives (usually the perspective of their closest peers).

The elementary years, then, are well-suited to practicing seeing things from multiple perspectives, which is crucial to building empathy. 

Practicing Perspective-Taking

The best opportunities to practice seeing things through others’ eyes are low-risk, high-reward discussions where the spotlight is on someone other than the child.

• Create empathy for characters in works of fiction. 
  • Ask questions about how characters must have felt in a particular situation. 
  • Ask the children reflective questions, like what they think motivated a character to say or do something. 
  • Ask what alternatives the character might have considered and why, from the character’s perspective, they chose to act or speak as they did.
• Build empathy through discussing current events. 
  • Be sure to include not only the headline-grabbers, which are often full of drama or trauma, but also the small stories that highlight acts of kindness. 
  • Ask about feelings from various perspectives – for example, the giver and the receiver of an act of kindness. 
  • Invite children to discuss the NY Times photo of the day, highlighting not only what is happening in the photo but also how people in the photo seem to be feeling. https://www.nytimes.com/column/learning-whats-going-on-in-this-picture

Modeling Empathy

Children are keen observers; their attitudes, beliefs, and actions are shaped every day by their interactions with others.  Second-plane children take their cues from parents and other significant adults in their lives, while third-plane children rely far more on cues from peers and non-parental significant adults. This means our everyday interactions with and in front of children are powerful – every one a model for how we treat others.  We model empathy when we:

• practice active listening in everything from casual conversations to formal lessons.  It shows the child that their thoughts and feelings matter.  If their feelings matter to us, they will matter to the child’s peers.
• describe how we imagine another person must feel.  We are demonstrating a way of exercising abstract reasoning – part of what Dr. Montessori called the bridge to abstraction.  Opportunities to exercise imagination, logic, or analogy tickle second-plane children’s brains.  They are developmentally ready to apply these skills to social interactions. 
• share our own feelings and emotions, explaining why we feel a certain way, and, if appropriate, what we hope to do about these feelings.

Note that we want to demonstrate and explore empathy for others in positive times as well as difficult times!  Joy shared is doubled.  Difficulties shared are halved. For an interesting short article on empathy in the workplace, see https://www.forbes.com/sites/teddymcdarrah/2022/11/08/empathy-is-just-as-meaningful-in-good-times/

Building Emotional Literacy

Children with a rich feelings-vocabulary are better able to self-advocate and to understand and empathize with the feelings of others.  If your children’s response to “How are you feeling?” is limited to good/bad, or if descriptions of the people’s personalities are no deeper than saying that they are nice/mean, then there is a great deal to be gained from regular line-time discussions or Grace and Courtesy lessons on the vocabulary of human emotions and feelings. 

For a free download of practical lessons and activities, please go to https://lockhart-learning.com/product-category/leadership/ and click on The Vocabulary of Emotions and Feelings. A fabulous second resource is the 2015 animated film Inside Out.  It does a brilliant job of discussing joy, fear, anger, disgust, and sadness.  Showing this 95-minute film can enrich the basic vocabulary introduced in these lessons and activities, providing a springboard for some meaningful discussions (and journaling opportunities!).  Inside Out is currently available through Amazon.

Empathy and Gratitude

Gratitude and empathy are deeply interconnected. When we recognize what we have and feel grateful for it, we are more likely to consider the needs of others.

• Establish a routine of gratitude as part of the classroom culture and practices. This can be as simple as an opportunity at dismissal for children (and adults) to verbally express thankfulness for something or someone during the day. Or give it concrete expression in the classroom by having children write what made them grateful on something that becomes a semi-permanent fixture.  Perhaps children write the focus of their gratitude on a paper leaf that is pinned to “tree branches” on a bulletin board.  Or perhaps they write their recognitions on a ping pong ball and drop the ball into an empty water-cooler jug.  In either case, the class bears witness to the growing number of occasions for gratitude as the weeks progress.  Sometimes, this has the wonderful unintended consequence of causing an uptick in thoughtfulness and mindfulness in the classroom.
• Encourage acts of kindness.  It might involve writing encouraging notes to someone struggling in the school community. Or perhaps the class would enjoy a “random acts of kindness” week, where each day, children challenge themselves to surreptitiously do something selfless for another without anyone seeing it.  At the end of the week, ask the children how being kind without expecting to be recognized or paid back made them feel. It is powerful!
• Occasionally involve the children in service learning.  The best projects have a personal touch, where children really understand the need that they are filling and how they are fostering gratitude in other people.

Empathy in Conflict Resolution

Inevitably, conflicts arise in even the most tight-knit communities.  These are often stressful times when all parties are prioritizing being heard.  If children cannot resolve the conflict themselves, we have a teachable moment. 

As conflict mediators, we ensure that each child has the chance to talk about the conflict from their perspective.  We build emotional literacy when we also invite children to talk about how the situation made them feel.  And we promote empathy by inviting each child to explore the other’s feelings. 

• “I heard you say that you are mad. It also sounds like you are describing the feeling of frustration, where you are upset because you feel like there is nothing you can do to fix the situation. Does that sound like what you are feeling?”
• (To the other child)…“Have you ever felt frustrated? Why do you think that they felt frustrated in this situation?”
• “Do you think you would have had the same feelings if it had happened to you?” (Be prepared for the child to say “no”!)

Sometimes, having children reverse roles and describe the situation from the other child’s perspective can be effective. And remember that the most successful conflict resolution finds ways that each child can grow through the experience.  The “growth opportunity” should rarely be focused on only one child.

Nurturing empathy is an ongoing, dynamic process that requires patience, modeling, and opportunities for growth. It not only fosters Normalization in the short term but also equips children with emotional tools that will serve them well for a lifetime.

“When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems.”

Steven Covey

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Reflection for adults:

If I were evaluating my classroom children’s ability to show empathy, what are their strengths?  How have I seen empathy demonstrated this year? 

Have there been occasions where a lack of empathy adversely affected relationships, self-control, self-esteem, or concentration?

Where is the low-hanging fruit?  How can I naturally incorporate demonstrating or discussing empathy and/or gratitude into our classroom routine?

Reflection for children:

Can you remember a time when someone was going through a super-exciting time or a hard time, and you felt like you understood how they were feeling? 

Has there been a time when you felt that someone understood your very exciting or difficult time?

What difference did having an empathetic friend who shared your feelings make?