Beyond the ROSE

When I talk to experienced Montessorians about what is different in their post-COVID classrooms, one of the most common responses I hear is that children do not remember (or never experienced) how to be in community. I love the way that one friend put it; “They just don’t know how to people any more.” No doubt! Consider: a child who is starting fifth-grade has had fully 1/2 of their elementary years impacted by COVID. How do we compensate for this gap in children’s social development?

One solution is already in our Montessori Guide’s toolkit: Grace and Courtesy lessons. They aren’t just for learning how to roll a rug or serve tea any more! We can use these to intentionally address specific points of social friction or awkwardness. Once such point of friction that I am hearing a lot this year is children’s lack of awareness of others in the classroom and of the importance that everyone’s needs are met.

Ground rules? Or wallpaper?

It has no doubt been weeks since you introduced a behavioral model to the class.  Your model may be based on the 3 Rs – respect yourself, respect others in the classroom, and respect the environment, or ROSE.  Or you may have used that premise as a launching-off point, having the children draft an agreement and create a beautiful poster reminding everyone of the agreements.

These are wonderful launching points. But as we forge ahead in the year, the agreements once enthusiastically endorsed by the group may have lost their power to impact behavioral choices; the posters created in August may have become like wallpaper. How do we resurrect the conversation without risking the anathema of second and third plane children: repetition?

A Tool for a Fresh Look

Many years ago, I ran across a model called The Hierarchy of Human Interactions.  The Hierarchy, as the name implies, describes a spectrum of interactions from those that are completely selfless, to those that are neutral, to those that are intentionally hurtful.  Here is the original model, with simple definitions that I added that seem to resonate with children:

The Hierarchy of Human Interactions

• Gallantry (or Saintliness) – acting without thought to the cost
• Chivalry – considering the cost, but doing it anyway
• Courteousness – going out of the way to be nice, but at no real cost
• Politeness – automatic niceness, no thought needed  
• Civility – being pleasant without doing anything extra, neutral
• Toleration – putting up with someone or something
• Shunning – excluding, ignoring
• Rudeness  – thoughtlessly offensive
• Abuse – purposefully, sometimes repeatedly, hurtful

Note:  For younger children, the list can be simplified from 9 to 6 levels: Selfless, Thoughtful, Polite, Tolerant, Excluding, and Cruel.

The Finer Points of the Hierarchy

On this hierarchy, the higher the level of the interaction, the more intentionality and energy is required.  An important realization is that not all interactions merit Gallantry!  If every interaction we had, including passing someone on the sidewalk or waiting in line at a checkout, were gallant, we would be so concerned with the well being of others that we would likely neglect our own health and well being (and we likely would not accomplish a great deal).  Our goal, therefore, is not to have every interaction be as high on The Hierarchy as possible;  it is for all of our interactions to be in the top half (civility or higher), with only those that merit greater intentionality and selflessness rising to higher levels.

It is also important to recognize that the level of the interaction is determined by the giver’s intent.  It is impossible to pinpoint the quality of the interaction by observing.  We can observe a generous act but without knowing whether there was a cost to the giver and whether they chose their actions with full knowledge of what that cost might be, we can’t say whether the act was polite (automatic act), courteous (had to go out of the way to do it), chivalrous (knew that this would cost something but chose it anyway) or gallant (completely selflessly, no thought to the cost).  Since the ranking is largely intent-driven, it is only the person committing the act who can rank it.  this is an important distinction because when we rank others’ acts on the scale, we change its purpose from one of self-assessment to judging.   

Introducing the Hierarchy to Children

Introducing this scale to children offers the opportunity to discuss how our everyday actions impact others. I find it most effective to begin at the point of neutrality – Civility – and then go through the terms that describe increasing selflessness.  Then return to Civility and work down the scale.  If the class has been operation with ROSE or another model, it may be productive to discuss which interactions are respectful, which are (relatively) neutral, and which are disrespectful.

It is also interesting to note that tolerance, which was so highly promoted not long ago, falls in the bottom half of the hierarchy.  When we are tolerant, we allow the other to exist.  We make no effort to understand or include them, we merely allow them to be.

As is true of any vocabulary lesson, introducing the terms and discussing them is only the first step. We can hope that this Grace and Courtesy lesson gets children through the first 2 periods of a three-period lesson. Having them work with the terms will further internalize them. Having them become part of the children’s awareness requires some follow-up work.

Making it Real

One of my favorite activities to provide relevance to this abstract scale of interactions has its roots in Hopi tradition. Some individuals in tribe took on the role of Koshari Clowns. During the most sacred celebrations in the pueblo, they would interrupt the proceedings with great yells and awkward movements.  Their silly and sometimes obnoxious antics served an important purpose; they demonstrated demonstrated behavior that is unacceptable to pueblo life. They did this through humor rather than through rules and lectures.

It is not hard to pattern an intervention after the wisdom of the Hopi. Pre-arrange with a couple of children (or adults) to act out some less desirable behavior at a class meeting. If at all possible, they should do this without it being announced as a skit to the others. When the other students begin to become irritated with the bad behavior, reveal that it was a skit. Then discuss the behavior and why it falls in the bottom half of the Hierarchy of Human Interactions. Ask the “perpetrators” what they think the true goal of that behavior might have been. Invite children to share how the behavior made them feel and share your own feelings when you see that behavior. Finally, discuss more positive options to meet the goal. Sometimes, the co-conspirators can act out the better choice, which helps end the lesson on a positive not.

Then, of course, remind yourself and the other adults to observe – catch ’em doing it right – and reinforce that improved behavior with neutral “I noticed…” statements, like, “I noticed that we finished our morning meeting today without a single interruption!”

First steps – a Reflection for Children:

This prompt is designed to have the children work with the new vocabulary.  There are two options below – choose one or both, or design a hybrid of the two. 

OPTION ONE: Children write their own definitions of each term based on the discussion.

OPTION TWO: Provide the simplified definitions listed above and ask the children to reflect on the following:

Think about a time when you saw someone commit a kind act.  This person might be a family member, a classmate, or a stranger.  We know, of course, that we can’t identify the specific level of the interaction because we don’t know the person’s intention, but we can see that an act is clearly in the top half of the chart.  Write about the act that you witnessed.  What made it a top-half interaction?  What impact did you see to the person receiving the action?

Now think about a recent time when you committed a kind act.  Since you know what you were thinking at the time, you can decide the exact level of that act.  Remember that a Gallant act isn’t better than a Polite act – they are both in the top half!  So don’t try for the most selfless act you ever did –just a kind act.  Write about the act and what you were thinking and feeling at the time.  What level was that act?  Do you think it was an appropriate level of interaction? Did you see the impact that your kind act had on the receiver?  How did it make you feel?

Note: some children may ask to write about bottom-half interactions.  If they ask, I allow it because there may be something that needs to be shared in this safe environment.  I do not structure the prompt that way, because we get what we focus on.  If we put our focus and time into positive, desirable behaviors and practices that is what we will see from the children (and ourselves)

“Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  Kindness in giving creates love.”

Lao Tzu