Sink or Swim?

Have you heard the news?  There sure is a lot of it these days!

I have come to the conclusion that whatever news you are looking for you can find.  If you want encouraging news about flattening the curve, it is out there, as are heartbreaking statistics on how many people have died and how many more are predicted to die. Some states are reopening parks and business, to the protests of those who fear a second wave of COVID.  Other states are keeping businesses closed, to the protests of those who need to work to live. Colorado has cautioned that schools may not reopen even in the fall, while California is looking at reopening schools in July. It seems like for every bit of advice there is counter advice.

The one thing that I hope we can all agree on is that people everywhere are trying to make the best choices that they can with an overabundance of sometimes-conflicting data informing their decisions.  Emotions are high and emotions are low – some have said that it is like being stuck on a never-ending roller coaster.  I actually prefer thinking of it as being adrift on life’s sea.  A powerful poem that was shared with me by my Montessori friend and poetry whisperer, Merrie King, speaks to this so much more eloquently than I can:

Trough by Judy Brown

There is a trough in waves,
A low spot
Where horizon disappears
And only sky
And water
Are our company.

And there we lose our way
Unless
We rest, knowing the wave will bring us
To its crest again.

There we may drown
If we let fear
Hold us within its grip and shake us
Side to side,
And leave us flailing, torn, disoriented.

But if we rest there
In the trough,
Are silent,
Being with
The low part of the wave,
Keeping
Our energy and
Noticing the shape of things,
The flow,
Then time alone
Will bring us to another
Place
Where we can see
Horizon, see the land again,
Regain our sense
Of where
We are,
And where we need to swim.

~ Judy Brown ~ (The Sea Accepts All Rivers)

Postcards from the Trough

Our view from the trough is limited: we have “only sky and water (as) our company”.  We have many ways of reacting to being so constrained:

• Sometimes we find ourselves in a trough of anxiety: we desperately try to react to every announcement as if it were a call to arms, trying to plan a defense for every eventuality.   We feel driven to activity, busying ourselves like the little Dutch boy, trying to plug every leak in the dike.
• For some of us, our trough is more one of despair.  We may experience aching sorrow, deep loneliness, regret, or hopelessness.  We grieve for the people we have lost or been separated from, and for celebrations and commemorations unfulfilled.  We may long deeply for some semblance of normalcy.
• Other times, we may find ourselves in a trough of anger and frustration.  We may feel it is our mission to shout down anyone who is not behaving as we think they should or is making what we consider to be ill-conceived decisions.  Or we may entertain thoughts about how decision-makers are not operating with the best intentions and purest motivations.

Whichever our specific low point, the most important thing is that we not “let fear hold us within its grip and shake us side to side”; it is the fear and the fight which saps our energy and tests our resiliency.  But how do we rest in the low part of the wave, resisting the urge to try to claw our way to the crest?

It all begins with embracing two seemingly radical truths:

• The first is that there is a crest. It is that place where the wall of water that seems to surround us meets the sky. We sometimes lose sight of the reality that there cannot be a trough without crests on either side.
• The second is that the passage of time can “bring us to another place where we can see horizon” if we allow it.  We have to be willing to give in and cooperate to allow the flow of water to carry us to the crest when the time is right.  This is by far the harder part. 

Floating to the Top

We struggle with surrendering to the flow because we have been trained to believe as responsible and self-sufficient people control their schedule and their resources to produce the desired outcome – we believe that we control our fate.  In reality, we actually control very little: only ourselves, our actions, and our reactions.  Beyond that, there are some things that we have the potential to influence and some things that we can’t budge no matter how much energy we expend.†  Embracing this enables us to use it to help us rest in the trough. But, especially if you are not experienced with applying this concept in your life, this requires intentionality.

Here is an intentional practice  that works for me:

• Name the trough.  Is it anxiety, despair, anger, or something else?  Is it a combination?  Identify what triggered those feelings.  If this has been a slow build-up of concerns, it may be multi-faceted – more than one event or piece of information that started the formation of the trough.
• Lean into the feelings.  Our emotions are there to tell us something. It matters little whether anyone else shares those feelings or thinks they are valid.  Denying or suppressing emotions rarely works for very long; “You’ve gotta feel it to heal it.”  Feelings have resiliency.  They will keep after us until they have been heard.
• Express gratitude for the feelings and for what they are trying to tell us.  Acknowledge their good intent to protect or inform us.
• Consider the trigger.  Separate out aspects over which we have control or influence from those that will continue despite anything that we could do, think, or say.
• Address whatever can be controlled or influenced.  Think of this as designing an exit strategy.    
  • Sometimes the exit strategy involves taking action. Chances are, that action will involve changing our own habits or practices rather than insisting that others change theirs.  However, there may be opportunities to authentically influence an outcome or another person.  If we try something and do not get the desired response, it is usually not the fault of the other person.  It is usually a clue that the situation was not in our circle of influence in the first place.
  • It might involve ensuring that we are heard in a meaningful way, through an intentional conversation or a well-crafted letter expressing firmly held beliefs.  Whether the recipients adopts our beliefs or acts on them is outside of our control – they will do what they will do no matter how strongly we believe that we are in the right.
  • It might require the help of a trusted friend or colleague – someone who can authentically confirm or modify our viewpoint and help us find a way out.  This one can be the trickiest exit strategy; we have to be mindful of the temptation to seek confirmation of our feelings and then stop.  If we do that, we are compounding our troubles.  Now we have someone who has said, in essence. “Poor you!  You are so right to feel so badly.  You deserve to be in the trough.”  The person we turn to should be someone who can understand our feelings AND remind us of the skills and talents that will lift us out of the depths, or remind us that we really do make a difference, or remind us how strong we really are.  If we seek the assistance of another and feel as bad or worse afterward, we may have chosen the wrong friend or colleague.  Consider what made their assistance less effective and choose another friend or colleague to try again. 

• Finally, take pride in our response, and consciously choose to let go of the rest.  Perhaps we circle back and again express gratitude for good intent behind the feelings, adding that we have responded proactively and now it is time to take a step back and see what develops.  Ride the wave.  Float to the top.

Reflection:

Thankfully, for the most part, we take turns being in the trough.  We will all have times when we are feeling frustrated, lonely, angry, or anxious.  Whether you are in a trough or not, with the inability to accurately predict the near-or far-term future, medium, it is highly likely that there are more troughs and crests in your future! 

If you are now or have recently been in a trough:

• First, can you acknowledge your trough?  It is so easy to get taken in by the “social media syndrome”  that suggests that intelligent, strong, independent people lead lives that are practically perfect in every way.  That fallacy leads to isolation, making the trough deeper.
• Next, try the process outlined above: name the trough; lean into the feelings;  express gratitude for the intent; address whatever can be controlled or influenced; and consciously let go of the rest. 
• If you do not sense some buoyancy from this process, reach out to a trusted friend or colleague – someone with whom you are willing to be vulnerable.  Ask them to help you process what you are feeling and help you sort through what things authentically belong to you and which are someone else’s job to worry about.  Approach this process with a growth mindset, “I am not out of the trough yet.”

If you are currently riding the crest:

• Which trusted friends or colleagues can you call upon in your trough-times?  Who sees the real you and knows when you are at your best?  Actually write a list!  There may be different people for different situations – another teacher for classroom-related troughs, another parent for troughs related to family-related troughs, etc. 
• Can you take the time to check-in with those people?  It might be their turn to be in the trough.  You may be the lifeline that they need today!
• Can you identify ways in which you prevent yourself from being triggered?  If so, congratulations!  And please share your techniques with others!

“Worry about the things you can control; the rest will either work themselves out, or they’ll kill you. Either way, no more worries.“

Laurell K. Hamilton, American author

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay 

† This process is based on Stephen Covey’s model of Circles of Influence and Concern.  For more on this model, I highly recommend his long-term bestseller, Seven Habits of Effective People.