I have been thinking a lot lately about hearing and being heard.
Yesterday, while working at my kitchen table, I heard a dove. I couldn’t see it, but my sense was that it was trilling and cooing just below the kitchen window. A moment later, a rush of wingbeats told me that its partner had heard the call of “breakfast located” and joined in. Sure enough, when I peeked over the sill, there was a pair of collared doves devouring the seed that had fallen from the feeder, carrying on a low, almost guttural conversation. To me, it was the sound of satisfaction. Message sent; message received; mission accomplished.
Why does communication seem so much more complicated for us humans? In part, it is certainly because we don’t always say what we feel or believe. Sometimes we prioritize friendship over truth – we soften or obscure our real thoughts to preserve the feelings of others. At other times, we edit our words because we fear how they will be received or how we might be judged. We can also deflect to protect ourselves when we feel vulnerable; “I’m fine,” can mean, “I don’t want to / can’t talk about that.” But that is only half of the equation. The other half is the way that we hear others.
Hearing vs. Listening
At a physiological level, we hear far more than we listen. We are surrounded by sound that enters our ears and our brains, passing through a prioritizing filter that decides instantly whether specific sounds are significant enough to attend to. If the sound is sufficiently important, hearing becomes listening.
Even then, we have many modes of listening. Some involve greater effort and intentionality than others. A number of modes require judgment, while others might involve curiosity or memorization. Our brain chooses a mode of listening subconsciously, probably driven most by how we intend to use the information. Here are a few possible intentions behind listening; there are doubtless many more.
- to internalize directions – where to go or what to do
- to find a break in the conversation – finding our turn to speak
- to learn what the speaker thinks so that we can choose to fit in or to stand out
- to learn about the speaker’s experience so that we can know them better
- to promote the speaker’s discovery of something they don’t yet know
- to judge the speaker’s biases
- to invest in what the speaker is saying, to absorb their meaning and intent
- to prepare a counter-argument or a next-story
- to learn what the speaker most needs at that moment
- to memorize the response (learn the answer, possible to a question that we posed)
- to be aware of our surroundings (for self-protection or for appreciation and enjoyment)
The Power of Matching Intent
As I reflect on this list, I can almost feel different parts of my body and brain engage with different intents. Thinking about listening to judge or to make a counter-argument literally feels different in my body and in my brain than listening to appreciate the doves, which feels different than listening to learn what the speaker most needs. My intent colors my means and depth of engagement and predisposes the way that I feel about the content.
What about the effect on the speaker? What happens to a speaker who hopes that we will invest in what they are saying if we are listening so that we can jump in with our own story or argument? At a minimum, the speaker believes they are unheard. This might lead to a variety of feelings, depending on context: isolation, frustration, self-doubt, resentment, or a score of others.
On the other hand, how would a person providing directions to the grocery store feel if we are listening to discover the speaker’s greatest needs rather than to remember the directions? The speaker may feel as if we have stepped inside their bubble without being invited – as though the response is overly personal. It may invoke feelings of suspicion, mistrust, or judgment. Or they may just think that we are air-heads!
Mis-matches create division. Effective communication relies on listening-intent matching speaking-intent.
Thank goodness, the needn’t match exactly! Proximal matches have nearly the same effect. We can think about listening intentions like the ones listed above in 3 categories: speaker-centered, content-centered, and listener-centered. If a speaker’s goal is to be better known or understood, any of the listening intentions in the speaker-centered category will feel positive. If the listener’s focus is listener-centered or content-centered, the speaker will feel perplexed or disrespected.
Some Good News
We don’t have to get it right 100% of the time, but purposefully choosing our listening intention increases the probability that we will get it right. It is quick and simple: ask yourself, “Why (for what purpose) am I listening?” If it is a particularly important conversation, it helps to engage in empathy, to put ourselves in the speaker’s position. “Why (for what purpose) are they talking?” If we don’t know what level of response the speaker expects, ask! “Is this something you wanted me to be aware of or a problem that we need to solve together?”
We can also increase the success of children’s listening if we contextualize before we talk. “I am about to give directions for what we are going to do next.” Or, “I am going to share something that I feel strongly about, and I would appreciate it if you would listen with your ears and with your hearts.” This is also good modeling, teaching children how to ask for the kind of listening that they would like in different situations.
If we get it wrong, we sometimes get a second chance to get it right if we observe the reaction to our response. People will often repeat themselves in a second attempt to be heard. Or they will give us a non-verbal cue that we missed the boat: a paradoxical look of hurt or confusion. When we get it right, it creates a bond of respect and understanding, the foundation of all good relationships.
Group Activity (for the classroom or staff/board meetings)
To promote listening awareness (and to promote executive function), brainstorm a list of reasons or listening intentions like the one provided in this blog. Sort them into the three categories: speaker-centered, content-centered, and listener-centered.
Discuss the situations that tug us to one type of listening or another. Examples: a good friend is very upset and asks to talk to you; an announcement about Picture Day comes over the PA system; a problem is brought up for discussion that you think is really important; you have 10 minutes left to finish an important project and someone starts talking to you; everyone in a group that you belong to is asked to share an idea on a particular topic; you ask a friend how their weekend was and they say, “Fine.”
Reflection for adults: In general, each person has a go-to intention for listening based on prior life experiences. Is my natural style to be speaker-centered (other-centered), content-centered, or listener-centered (me-centered)? How flexible am I? Do I pick up on subtle cues that someone needs me to listen to them with greater focus on their words or emotions? What about cues that I may have overstepped and am getting too personal? Would my relationships benefit if I challenged myself to stretch my listening intention in one direction or the other?
Reflection for children (and adults): All of us have times when we don’t feel heard. Sometimes it is no big deal: we just repeat ourselves and our listeners get it the second or third time. But sometimes we just feel unheard. If you had the opportunity to tell people one thing about yourself and were guaranteed that they would listen to invest in what we were saying – guaranteed that they were listening to better understand you without judgment – what would you say? What do you wish that people knew about you?
OPTIONAL FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Is there a way that you can tell people this thing-about-you without words? For example, if the one thing you want people to know is that wish that you could be in the spotlight from time to time, could you volunteer to present something to the group or take on a leadership role for an upcoming project?
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said”
Peter Drucker
Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay