Years and years ago, a colleague returned from a Montessori conference with a list of the qualities that our interactions with one another can take on. It was expressed as a scale – from most selfless and kind to most selfish and hurtful. This hierarchy provides a very useful framework for talking with children about how we treat one another. I often wished that I knew who authored this gem! I have used it ever since; today I share it with you in the hope that it will have the same positive impact on your classroom as it has in mine!
Introducing The Hierarchy of Human Interactions
When introducing this vocabulary to children, begin by ensuring that we have a common understanding of the terms involved. These are words that seem to resonate with children:
- Gallantry – acting with no thought to one’s self – the good of the other is what matters
- Chivalry – considering the cost, but doing it anyway
- Courteousness – going out of the way to be nice, but at no cost to one’s self
- Politeness – automatic niceness, no thought included
- Civility – neither positive nor negative
- Toleration – putting up with someone or something just to get through the situation
- Shunning – excluding
- Rudeness – offensively impolite or unkind
- Abuse – purposefully, sometimes repeatedly, hurtful
Once the words are defined, discuss some examples. A classic example of gallantry is that of Sir Walter Raleigh laying his cloak over a mud puddle to keep Queen Elizabeth I from getting her feet wet, a story attributed to historian Thomas Fuller. Children will readily say that an example of politeness is saying please and thank you. Children are usually trained from a very young age to use these phrases liberally.
Using the Hierarchy
Perhaps the most important part of using the model is realizing that the differences between any two adjacent hierarchies, for example, between courteousness and politeness, is in the intention. What was in the person’s mind when they spoke or acted. A great example to give is of one person holding the door open for others. What initiated that action?
- If it was triggered by childhood training, that holding the door for elders was the socially acceptable thing to do, it is an example of politeness.
- If it started with the thought that those needing to go through the door had their arms full of boxes and would need help to manage the entry, it might be an example of courteousness.
- If holding the door for others meant that the person would be letting all those passing through the door into the line at Starbucks ahead of the person, that might be an example of chivalry.
It may also be helpful to discuss an example of words/actions that fall in the bottom half of the hierarchy. The specific example might be something that the community has been working on eliminating. For example, if the community has been working on eliminating put-downs, the incident might be an example of shunning, rudeness, or abuse, depending upon the intent of the person giving the put-down.
Through this discussion, we want to help children to understand that the only person who can really assess which hierarchy the interaction illustrates is the person doing the speaking or acting – the one who knows what the intent was. However, while we cannot determine precisely which hierarchy “hold the door open” falls under, we can definitely say that it is a top-half interaction. Similarly, put-downs are clearly bottom half interactions.
Examining the Classroom Culture
Once children are on-board with the model, they can begin to apply it to classroom interactions; turn the discussion to where children feel classroom interactions typically fall. Are most of the classroom interactions top-half? Do bottom-half interactions sometimes creep in? How would the classroom community be different if all interactions were top-half?
Sometimes, things that appear to be bottom-half interactions can be something that really isn’t intended to be negative – we just say or do things out of habit without thinking about how they impact others. Sarcasm is a great example of something that people sometimes use without intending harm, but which can be quite hurtful. So, too, is insisting on always being first when the class lines up. Ask the children if they can think of other examples. If the class is going to work together to eliminate bottom-half interactions, we have to help one another recognize when our habits are hurting others. How can we kindly and non-judgmentally let others know when something feels negative? It might be a word or a short phrase or even a hand signal that conveys, “I bet you didn’t mean that the way it came out.”
Reflection for All
For most people, there is a difference in our interactions with our closest friends and those with people who are acquaintances or strangers. When we know people well, we are more casual in our language. Often a lot of communication is unspoken between good friends. With people who we don’t know, our language is usually more formal. Imagine meeting the Queen of England, and finishing up the conversation by asking, “So, what’re you doing after this? Do you wanna hang out?” That is probably not going to end so well…
Whether our language is formal or informal, we always want our interactions to be positive, at least in part because that encourages others to interact positively with us. Please take a moment to think about some recent interactions with other people in our classroom community. Try to recall at least 2 with close friends and 2 with those you don’t know as well. Where do you think they fell on the hierarchy? You can probably pinpoint where your words and actions fell because you know what you intended. For others involved in the interaction, you can probably only say whether they were in the top-half or bottom-half. If there were bottom-half interactions, what could you have said or done differently to make them be top-half interactions?
What about unintentional bottom-half interactions? Are there things that you say or do out of habit that you now think other people might interpret wrongly? If someone heard or saw you in a bottom-half interaction, what would you like them to say or do to let you know?
“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi , Indian political and spiritual leader
There will be no new blog posting next week as I set aside time to celebrate all the people for whom I am most thankful – including each of you! See you in 2 weeks!