In broader educational circles, October is sometimes thought of as a time of the doldrums, when everything becomes a bit too routine. It is midway between the exciting start to the school year and the frenetic holiday season. Many traditional classrooms look for ways to perk up this stretch of time. Personally, I have never found mid-fall lethargy to be a phenomenon in Montessori classrooms. When children are not reliant on an adult or a season to dictate their learning, when they are actively managing their learning, routine seems to be a friend, providing a framework around which discovery happens.
This October, I find myself personally longing for a bit of routine, a modicum of lethargy! It has been a wonderfully crazy-busy month, filled with meaningful consultations and conferences, travel, and exploration. I wake up most mornings trying to figure out what day it is and what my most immediate priorities are. It is because of this, and not some grand social/political statement, that I have not seen a TV newscast or network advertisements in weeks. I have to say that, on the whole, this has been a blessing; I am so much more focused and peaceful without the daily barrage of sound-bites that are seemingly designed to shape my beliefs, actions, or self-image. I realized that I was feeling stressed by the urge to respond to things that are outside of my ability to control or influence. This, in turn, led me to reflect on how our human tendency to seek power and control over others creates drama in the classroom.
By-in-large, struggles unfold in the classroom when people attempt to control one another socially, academically, or emotionally. Sometimes it is about pressuring someone into complying with norms: how to dress, how to act, how to speak, how to represent one’s race or gender identity, how smart to appear. Sometimes it is about asserting power to maintain or improve one’s rank in the social pecking order. This often manifests as an alpha child trying to control the social dynamic by deciding who is or is not an acceptable friend. “If you are _____’s friend, you can’t be my friend,” or “None of us are going to be _____’s friend anymore.” Usually, the child being shunned is one who the alpha fears or perceives in some way to be a threat. Sometimes, reinforcement of the alpha’s authority as the social arbiter is a bit more … subtle – perhaps an eye roll or expressions of sympathy if someone is paired with an “undesirable” for a project. All of these microaggressions can be symptoms of someone seeking power and control over others.
We can help children to be more resistant to attempts to control them – a gift that will serve them for a lifetime – if we address this tendency head-on. Through direct instruction, Grace and Courtesy lessons, and the way that we manage classroom conflict, we want to consistently convey these two truths:
TRUTH #1: The only thing that we control is ourselves: our actions, our thoughts, and our words. That is all.
When we try to control things that are outside of our control, it is usually a reaction to something that we fear.
- Are we afraid of someone who seems different? We might try to control the way that they look or talk or act, often through peer pressure and/or put-downs.
- Are we afraid that someone is gaining power or prominence over us? We might try to stop them through blaming and shaming designed to get others to take sides with us and against them.
- Are we afraid that something that someone did to us makes us look weak? Might we be a future target because of this? We might try to be sure that it doesn’t happen again through some kind of “payback”.
Being reactive (like the examples above) gets in the way of being proactive. Why is that?
- Trying to control others requires vigilance; we can’t let our guard down. That means we have less time and energy to build ourselves up, to strengthen ourselves for whatever life brings us. In the end, we are controlled by our attempts to control others. We are, in essence, held hostage by our fears.
- When we are proactive, we choose our path. We are free. Our energy goes into being the best and most authentic version of ourselves so that we are less impacted by whatever life brings. Put-downs or peer pressure, blaming and shaming will still hurt our feelings, but they are less likely to cause us to be untrue to ourselves. We can be hurt and move on.
TRUTH #2: The only person that controls us is us. We want children to know that their actions always begin with a choice. Help them investigate what they feared would happen if they made a better choice. Sometimes children who have made unfortunate choices try to shift unwanted attention by saying, “______ made me do it.” Help them recognize times when others are tapping into their fears in order to control them. Elenore Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Certainly, she had many occasions where others attempted to make this fierce woman feel inferior, but she did not succumb. We want that strength for our children.
AN ANTIDOTE: An empowering classroom activity, based on Steven Covey’s Circles of Influence and Concern, begins by explaining that there are many things in our lives that interest us, intrigue us, or concern us. Of all the things that concern us, some subset contains things that we have some ability to affect and others we have no power to influence:
- We may be really concerned about the Bronco season (with good reason), or about the weather forecast for the weekend, or about what someone else is having for snack, but we really can do very little to change any of those things. On the other hand…
- If we are worried about getting a fair amount of time on the computer, we can ask to do that work first thing in the morning, or add “computer sign-up” to a class agenda. If we think that the song that someone is singing during work time is interrupting our concentration, we can ask them to sing more quietly or we can move to a different seat.
Next, draw 2 concentric circles on butcher paper or on the white board. Label the larger of the two Circle of Concern and the smaller Circle of Influence. To that, add a small dot at the center, labeled Circle of Control-my words and actions. Explain that when we put our energy into things that we control or influence, we are happier because what we do makes a difference. When we put our energy into things that are in our Circle of Concern, we feel frustrated and powerless. Part of being happy is choosing to respond only to things that we can influence or control, and letting the rest go.
Have volunteers choose a strip on which you have written real-life situations from your classroom, with any indication of who was involved changed or removed. For example: “Someone tells you who to sit by for lunch,” or “You just learned that today is your friend’s birthday,” or “Someone is using the special pencil that you brought from home,” or “The fire alarm went off during your presentation,” or “You are really hungry and there are 6 people ahead of you for snack,” or “Someone just put down a classmate,” or “Your friend’s parents won’t let him/her sleep over at your house.” Each child, in turn, reads the slip aloud and initiates a discussion about which circle(s) they think the situation belongs in. In many cases, what is written on the paper will be an antecedent – it will already have happened and nothing can change the fact that it happened. Therefore, the antecedent is in the Circle of Concern. The discussion will center on whether to respond to the antecedent and if so, how to do so in a way that is within the individual’s control or influence. In some cases, the discussion can also be around how another person appears to be trying to control the reader.
Discussing just a few at the initial meeting sets the stage. Discussing a couple of situations each week (or one per day) for a few weeks will really help internalize the concepts, providing a useful process for children to critically evaluate circumstances in which they may find themselves in the future. Proactively practicing responses helps children be happier, more focused, and more peaceful no matter what circumstances arise.
Reflection for all: If you were to pick the top 1-2 things that cause you frustration right now, what would they be? Think about specific examples. What do you want to happen that isn’t happening? Is it possible that you are trying to control something that is only in your Circle of Concern? If so, how can you either move that situation into your Circle of Influence or let the situation go, realizing that your precious time and energy could be better spent on other things that you do control or influence? What proactive steps can you take to be more effective and less frustrated?
- Perhaps you might move the situation into your Circle of Influence by asking for help from someone who can actually influence the outcome or by working to build a trusting relationship with the person who controls the situation.
- Perhaps you might give yourself permission to let the situation go by realizing that since you are not affecting the situation anyway, letting it go will not cause further harm.
“You have control over three things – what you think, what you say, and how you behave. To make a change in your life, you must recognize that these gifts are the most powerful tools you possess in shaping the form of your life.”
-Sonya Friedman