“You are not the boss of me!” I remember the first time I heard a feisty, bedazzled, pig-tailed, 4-year old say this to an older boy in her class. I was as impressed by the child’s ability to self-advocate as I was amused by her choice of words. It was effective, if not particularly diplomatic – the older child left her in peace to do the work that she had chosen
We don’t often hear those specific words when we are working with older children, but children will tell each other the same thing nonverbally or with somewhat more subtle wording. “I don’t want to / have to; You can’t make me; Leave me alone; Let go; Don’t be so bossy” are all signals of resistance to an incoming verbal or physical directive. As teachers, we often react instinctively to these phrases, anticipating imminent conflict. We spring into “peace mode” and calmly ask if the children involved need help to work out a difference of opinion
Then again, sometimes we adults are the ones on the receiving end of a message of resistance. This, too, can take many forms. Children can attempt to engage us in debate or negotiation to avoid doing as asked, such as arguing that they should not have to separate from a friend who is a distraction. They can ignore verbal directions, such as ignoring a request to clean up in preparation for a transition. And they can routinely fail to follow known classroom expectations, such as wandering aimlessly and seemingly endlessly before choosing a work.
I wonder if we regard children resisting us the same wa as we do child-to-child resistance. Do we spring into “peace mode” and calmly seek resolution with the resistant child? Often not. It seems to trigger something in us. It feels personal. Shouldn’t the child do as asked? Is this action (or inaction) a manifestation of disrespect? These feelings lead us to view the child as willful, headstrong or unruly, invoking reactions that range from anger to total frustration.
Montessori advised that we treat the misbehaving child as if he were ill. What would we do with a sick child? These days, we mostly send him to the office to isolate potential germs! But if we were to deal with a sick child ourselves, we would provide insight how to feel better and offer comfort – rest, warmth/cooling, water, or food, depending on the child’s need. How does this translate to the resistant child? Of course, the specifics will vary depending on the situation, but in general, the first step is critical – we must acknowledge that, just as we do not control a virus, we do not control children
As adults, most of our misplaced anger and frustration with children is the result of a paradigm, probably impressed upon us as children, that adults are responsible to manage the actions of the children in their charge. This paradigm has a corollary: if children misbehave, it is a failure of the adult to properly control them, and it is incumbent on the adult to reign in the children’s behavior by exerting more control. This paradigm is a hot-link to threats and punishment, techniques that are proven to be ineffective and that completely preclude Montessori’s coaching that we are to help guide the child towards self-regulation
Our paradigms – our subconsciously held beliefs – are given to us through life experiences, particularly those early in our lives. Paradigms shape our perceptions and our choices instantaneously. As such, they are extremely useful: they help protect us from harm; they help us gain social acceptance by shaping our behavior; they help us efficiently make decisions on thousands of little things every day. But the same things that make paradigms useful can also inhibit our ability to live intentionally just because they kick in
- If my Circle of Concern (things I attend to) is significantly smaller than my Circle of Influence (things I should or could be responsible for), I am likely neglecting areas of responsibility or areas where I have the potential to have significant impact. This can rob me of feelings of accomplishment and can cause others to view me as not being as attentive or as capable as I actually am. When people mistrust my attentiveness or my ability, my Circle of Influence shrinks – I have fewer and fewer opportunities to make a difference.
- If my Circle of Concern (things I attend to) is significantly larger than my Circle of Influence (things I should or could be responsible for), I am expending a great deal of energy on things that I cannot change, probably at the expense of things that I can actually do something about. When I am not attending to my full responsibilities, others may see me as unreliable or slapdash. I am likely to feel frustrated and angry that the things I am focusing on are not changing as I think they should, because after all, I know best! It can also cause others to see me as being overly dramatic, as I fret over why people aren’t acting as I am certain that they should. Again, these perceptions result in my Circle of Influence shrinking.
- If my Circles of Influence and Concern are about the same size, I am attentive to all of my responsibilities and I spend the vast majority of my time and energy resources on the things that I can influence. Consequently, my efforts bear fruit. This helps me to feel capable and impactful and results in others seeing me as highly competent, which increases my Circle of Influence.
To Covey’s model, I add a tiny little circle at the center of it all: my Circle of Control. This includes the things over which I actually have natural power and authority. The difficult truth is that most of us have a deeply mistaken impression of what is actually within our control. We tend to think that caring deeply about something or being very certain of the way something should go increases the degree to which we can control the outcome. In actuality, my Circle of Control is so small as to be nearly invisible. It contains only two things: me and my reactions to things that impact me directly. That’s all. Everything else is either something over which I can exert some influence or something that is completely outside my reach, no matter how much I care about it. This presents a bit of a paradox because the more I care about something, the higher my interest, the more control I want. And the more I try to control things in my Circle of Influence or my Circle of Concern, the smaller my Circle of Influence becomes.
What has this to do with the resistant child? Everything. If we recognize that we do not control the child, it helps us shed whatever ineffective paradigms we have been relying upon regarding his motives and his respect for adults. It helps alleviate any misplaced worry we might have over why we have been unsuccessful in making him respond appropriately with 100% regularity. It diminishes our fear that we have somehow failed as an administrator of children. It better enables us to respond by springing into “peace mode”, calmly and intentionally asking the child if he needs help to work out the difference between what you thought should be happening and what he thought should be happening.
Let’s examine the situations described above using the new paradigm. In the first scenario, we have asked two children to split up to be better able to focus on work, and they have attempted to engage us in debate or negotiation. When we know that we cannot control children, we can stay in our planning and reasoning brain and sit down to engage in a brief dialog. We state our observations objectively (The problem that you are working on now is the same one that you were working on 20 minutes ago and the materials haven’t moved on the rug in that time, so I interpreted that to mean that you were attending to other things besides your math.) We then proactively invite them to present their view of the situation. (Is my interpretation wrong? If you have been attending to the math, help me understand how that fits my observation of no progress. What can you tell me?) Next, we listen to their responses. Maybe they really were debating about what resources they needed to complete the work or about how to solve the problem – it could happen! Finally, we ask them how they are going to meet the goal of completing the work efficiently. (My goal is for you to finish this work to the best of your ability within the next 20 minutes. What do you think is needed for that to happen?) This dialog does take longer than shutting down the student’s attempt to argue or negotiate, but if we do it with sincerity, it keeps us from becoming angry or frustrated, it presumes the honorable intent of the children (which will, in time, become self-fulfilling), and it involves the children in
In the second scenario, when children ignore requests or directions, when we know that we don’t control children, we exercise a bit of humility. Rather than seeing the children as being intentionally disrespectful, we see our influence as having been insufficient to cause them to do as asked. We look at when and how we made the request and on what is going on at the time to see what interfered with the process. Again, the possible sources of interference are varied, from failing to get children’s attention before making the announced request†, to a perception in the children that the request is unnecessary or unwelcome. Is there a history of starting clean-up so early that it drags on longer than needed? Do we announce and remind and direct and nudge and remind again; have we taught the children that announcements can be ignored because they are always repeated, each time with a bit more volume? Is the most compelling lesson/activity of the day immediately before transition, leaving no time for children to explore the exciting new idea/material that was just presented? When we have explored the possible root cause(s), we can share our objective observations and our thoughts with the children and ask them to help determine what would be a more effective way to deliver requests or directions. Once again, we have avoided being stuck in our reptilian brains, and have responded with intention. We are modeling self-reflection and self-advocacy, and we are giving the children an opportunity to problem-solve.
Our final scenario, the endless wanderer, can similarly be reframed when we realize that we cannot control this child. We see him less as being lazy or as avoiding work. We stay out of our reactionary brain and remain in the problem-solving brain. We begin to consider what barriers are precluding his choosing work. Is he hungry, thirsty or tired? Is he overwhelmed by having so much choice? Is his confidence so low that he has established this pattern to avoid failure? Is there so much activity in the classroom that he cannot focus? Does he have energy that he needs to burn off before he can settle?†† When we have observed and have some idea what might be at the root, we can have a conversation with the child about what would be most helpful. It might well be that he needs more structure and less choice for a period of time. Montessori herself said, “To let the child do as he likes when he has not yet developed any powers of control is to betray the idea of freedom.” He might need an adult or a study buddy to talk through the steps of setting up the work, staying until the work is initiated, confirming that he is on the right track. He might need environmental adaptations (headphones or a study carrel). The possibilities are endless, and when we remain in our own frontal lobes, they are all available to us
All of these scenarios and solutions can be boiled down to a simple mantra: “I am not the boss of them. How can I support better and boss less?”
The concept of the Circles of Control, Influence, and Concern have tremendous potential to affect relationships between people of all ages. Consider the impact of truly knowing that our primary job is to control ourselves and our reactions, and spend the rest of our energy where it can have the greatest impact! The lifelong ramifications are tremendous. One has to look no further than social media to see countless examples of people trying to control others through hurtful or snarky comments, misguided attempts to control others by people who don’t understand how relationships work. Seeing that can help us avoid attributing undue importance to the words themselves. The words are still a weapon to try to grab control, but now the sword is dulled. We can also be freed from the temptation to waste our precious cosmic energy and time crafting a “gotcha” response when we know that we cannot control the other person any more than they control us. We are better able to dismiss the entire episode by thinking, “You are not the boss of me,” turning our attention to things that matter.
What impact might this paradigm have when introduced to your classroom? It depends on what is happening there now! In your classroom, do children try to manipulate friendships? Are there those who allow themselves to be manipulated simply because they don’t know that there is an alternative? Do some children try to force their way into a friendship for snack, lunch, or recess? Are there some who will park with a material simply to control others’ access to it? Does any perceived infraction cause children to take sides and judge one another to attempt to control the outcome? What difference might it make if the children in your class truly understood that when they try to control things that are really only in their Circle of Influence or even in their Circle of Concern, they are making themselves unnecessarily frustrated and unhappy and that they are disempowering themselves in the long run? Imagine the emotional strength that you will help build if, when a child comes to you to say, “So-and-so won’t _____,” you respond by helping the child assess what is within his control or influence, and what is outside his control. What difference will it make in the present and future lives of your children if they learn at this tender age that you can’t make someone like you; you can only make yourself more likable?
- What is in your Circle of Control?
- What do you wish was in your Circle of Control that is not? Are these things that you can Influence? How?
- Have you ever felt like a friend was trying to control you? What did they want? How did that make you feel?
- Is there something in your life that frustrates you over which you have no control or influence? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to others about it? How can you spend less energy on that and more energy on things that you can influence?
- Think of something in your life that you gave attention and energy that was within your power to influence. Were you able to see your attention and energy make a difference? What do you feel when you think about your efforts and the results?
Prompt for Adults: Think about something or someone in your classroom that makes you feel frustrated and/or angry. Describe in detail the situation at present and what do you think the situation should be. Knowing that the only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions to things that affect you, consider how you influence the situation. What things do you currently do that positively or negatively influence the situation? What do you do to (mistakenly) try to control the situation? What observations might you make to inform your future efforts to influence the situation? How can you partner with whomever is at the center of this situation to affect a different outcome?
“The person most in control is the person who can give up control”
– Frederick Solomon Perls
Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Franklin Covey, 1998.